Narcissistic Abuse

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Narcissistic abuse is often referred to as "death by a thousand cuts." Your mental health deteriorates, and your soul, sense of self and self-trust becomes dismantled little by little. Narcissistic abuse is serious and detrimental to anyone's mental and physical health. Processing your trauma with a mental health professional is always strongly encouraged.

I know you probably fight with the narcissist way more than you don't. I know they probably act as if nothing happened after they’ve behaved terribly. I know you have repeatedly thought long and hard about the perfect way to approach the narcissist so they finally understand you and change the way they treat you. I know you’ve probably been lied to, betrayed and manipulated (gaslighted) repeatedly but it’s either been denied, minimized, or the blame has been placed on you. I know that you probably don’t feel like yourself anymore and that your health has likely suffered in some way. I know you're probably wondering if you're the narcissist. I know you feel ashamed, tired of it, like you can't win, but you’re not sure what to do or how to heal. 

You may feel stuck. There's enough good days to keep you hopeful and trying, and enough bad days to keep you confused, deeply lost and angry. Others may even be encouraging you to go no contact, but it's not always that easy.

You're in the right place! Support can make all the difference and it’s important to find a therapist who is highly competent in narcissistic abuse. These relationships are uniquely complex. Logical, reasonable conflict resolution strategies usually do not work with narcissistic folks; that’s why you probably feel like you have been beating your head against the wall. Working with a therapist who is not trained in narcissistic abuse, and most therapists are not taught this in graduate school, can unintentionally retraumatize, deeply confuse, and leave you with ongoing mental health issues. Note: Couple's counseling with someone who is narcissistic can be incredibly traumatic and, generally, isn't recommended.

I would love to help support you as you navigate this. I personally and clinically understand what it's like to have an extremely toxic person(s) in your orbit. It’s a minefield trying to navigate these personalities. It's also difficult trying to manage the enablers around the narcissist and can often be just as destructive to your mental health. Therapy is about your healing during and/or after any kind of toxic relationship. My goal as your therapist is to turn the gaslight off and help you regain your footing, establish self-trust and to help empower you to make informed choices on how you’d like to proceed. Leaving isn't always an option for everyone. We can also discuss how to realistically manage on-going narcissistic relationships of any kind, as well as enablers, narcissist apologists, or people who do not respect your boundaries with the narcissist. 

While most of my clients are dealing with a narcissistic partner, I routinely work with folks who have other toxic people in their lives. The majority of my clients dealing with a narcissistic partner also have a narcissistic parent(s) and other family members like siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Others have friends who are wreaking havoc in their lives, can't be happy for them and who are trying to control them in some way; others have a boss who behaves like a tyrant and fills their days with dread and anxiety; some have neighbors who behave horribly (often on HOA boards, and usually interacting antagonistically on social media). I can help regardless of who the narcissistic person is. Many times, through our work together,  my clients realize they have dealt with several narcissistic people throughout their lives.

I'm currently in the process of becoming a certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician (NATC), training under Dr. Ramani Durvasula's program. I hope to complete my certification by the end of 2024.

*Please know that narcissism is on a spectrum and there's different types of narcissism. Narcissism is a pervasive pattern and not just a bad day. Most folks with a narcissistic personality style exhibit a clustering of the below - not just one or two of these. 

*The ones in bold are, generally, without exception but the severity varies:

-Entitled and thinks they deserve special treatment, or rules don't apply to them

-Low, variable or fake empathy

-Manipulates or gaslights (denies your reality and state of mind) 

-Arrogant 

-Gets angry with perceived criticism (is thin-skinned) but has no problem criticizing others

-Disagreeable, rigid and/or maladaptive

-Doesn't respond well to being told "no"

-Deeply selfish

-Accuses you of things you suspect they're doing/thinking (projects)

-No apology or fake apologies "I'm sorry BUT" "I'm sorry IF" "I'm sorry you feel that way"

-Doesn't believe they're the problem

-You walk on eggshells

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In addition to the above, a cluster of behaviors below are also present:

-Constant need for validation, and admiration seeking

-Often lies, or lies by omission 

-Chronic need for control

-Has repeatedly betrayed you but they minimize it

-Has cheated on you (and maybe blamed you for it)

-Behaves inappropriately on social media/dating apps (DMs, likes, follows, hiding accounts)

-Obsessed with social media/dating apps and getting likes and follows

-Hides their phone from you, or never has it out of their sight

-Words and actions don't align

-Smears your name to other people, trying to turn them against you (triangulates)

-Pits siblings and family against each other 

-Competitive with you or others (inc. their children)

-Makes fun of your appearance or comments negatively about you

-Focuses on your reactions to their behavior but not their behavior that caused the reaction

-Rages when you try and discuss your feelings (outward anger and/or silent treatment)

-Smiles or laughs when you're upset

-Vindictive and spiteful

-Petty (will sometimes boast about this)

-They expect you to get over fights on their timeline

-Shifts the blame onto you with any relationship issue you have

-Incapable of having a conversation that doesn't turn into a fight

-Gets very angry with a difference of opinion or worldview

-Doesn't take accountability for their actions

-Makes hurtful "jokes" at your expense and calls you sensitive or ridiculous for getting upset

-Blames a "dark sense of humor" to justify tasteless and rude jokes

-They're described as "charming" and "charismatic"

-Can be litigious

-Doesn't learn from mistakes

-Isolates you from others

-Monitors your movements, what you wear, what you eat, who you talk to

-Uses sexual coercion sometimes to the point where sex can almost feel non consensual

-Speaks badly of your friends and/or family

-Ruins important trips/meetings/events/holidays (inc. their own birthday) or makes it about them

-Sleeps like a baby after a huge fight, while you're up ruminating and angry

-Keeps you awake or wakes you up to fight

-Expects you to do things for them that they wouldn't do for you

-Chronically paranoid

-Takes credit for your work

-Behaves one way at home and very differently in public

-Routinely negligent of you and/or your kids

-Physically abusive towards you, your family/pets or things

-Threats of abuse towards you, your family/pets or things

-You feel like you can't do anything right

-Treats wait staff or other people in the service industry disrespectfully, or is overly flirty

-Doesn't respect boundaries

-Superficial and consumed with looks/money/popularity/power

-Thinks they're smarter/better than others

-Often says they're "a good person" (even when they've admitted they're not)

-Told you in the beginning they're "not a good person" or "no good"

-Sulks because they don't get what they feel they deserve

-Fixated on others doing things their way

-Always looking for someone to blame

-Lacks self appraisal/reflection but believes they’re highly self aware

-Pretends to be "woke," spiritual or religious

-Drives aggressively even when asked to stop

-Isn't happy for others' success, and can seem happy with others' pain/failures

-Usually immature/childish

-Gives you the silent treatment

-Grandiose

-Talks about impressive pursuits for their future but nothing seems to happen

-Cycles from showering you with attention/putting you on a pedestal to devaluing you

-Transactional

-Exploitative and uses people for their gain

-Expects you to get over things quickly but they will hold a grudge like no one's business

-Has a multitude of supply (people who give them attention)

-If you've ended the relationship, they try and be friends to keep you as supply

-Not compassionate for long towards you (or anyone) being sick or unwell

-Often at the center of conflict but accuses you of starting fights and being difficult

-Calls their exes crazy

-Friends with exes and uses this to reinforce you being the problem

-Has to be right or have the last word

-Is either the victim or hero in most situations and will parade the generous things they do

-Walks ahead of you

-Has a sob story from their past or childhood to explain their bad behavior and garner sympathy

-Has a trail of "dead bodies" behind them

-Jumps from one relationship/situationship to the next with little time between (and often overlap)

-Has total control of the finances and you have no control

-Has no control of their finances

-Uses finances to try and control you/throws their money around

-Doesn't have a job/changes jobs often, usually on bad terms

-"Love bombed" you in the beginning and gave lots of attention, gifts, future-faked, etc.

-The relationship moved extremely fast, or extremely slow in some cases

-Wouldn't commit after years of being together, but offered commitment only after you moved on

-Drastically changed towards you after getting married or having kids

-Doesn't open mail or take care of household things

-Isn't a responsible adult

-Lacks impulse control

-Spews a bunch of words or illogical thoughts when you confront them (word salad)

-Lacks depth or substance but can sometimes fake it

-Has made a lot of references to a future together or changes they will make with no follow through

-Uses guilt to try and get what they want

-Has addiction issues: porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, social media, exercise, shopping, gaming, gambling

The list goes on...

If you have a person in your midst who exhibits a clustering of these traits/behaviors, please reach out to me today. Please don't try and go it alone any longer; isolation makes this so much more difficult to manage. It's likely not all in your head, and it's probably not you. Professional help is often imperative and I'd love to help you work through how to navigate this.