Narcissistic Abuse and antagonism

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Narcissistic abuse is often described as death by a thousand cuts. It slowly erodes your sense of self, your confidence, and your ability to trust your own reality. Over time, your mental health can suffer greatly. You may find yourself feeling confused, ashamed, exhausted, or deeply disconnected from who you used to be. And yet, it’s hard to explain to others, or even to yourself, what’s really happening.

Maybe you’re fighting with the narcissist far more than not. Maybe they act as if nothing happened after saying or doing something hurtful. Maybe you’ve spent hours thinking through the perfect way to say things so they’ll finally understand you, but nothing ever seems to change. You’ve probably been lied to, manipulated, betrayed, or gaslighted, only to have it denied, minimized, or somehow turned around on you.

You might be wondering: Am I the narcissist? Why does this feel so hard? Why can't I just leave?

You may feel stuck between two realities: there are just enough good days to keep you hopeful, and just enough terrible ones to leave you lost, angry, and doubting yourself. Maybe others have encouraged you to go no contact, or criticized you for staying. But the truth is, it’s not always that simple. These relationships are often deeply entangled and emotionally complex.

You're in the right place. I have specialized training in narcissistic abuse recovery and helping navigate high conflict and antagonistic relationships, and I know how important it is to work with someone who truly gets it. Without that understanding, therapy can unintentionally be retraumatizing, especially if you’ve been through couples counseling where both sides are treated as equal contributors to the problem. Narcissistic dynamics don’t respond to traditional conflict resolution strategies, and trying to apply them often leaves you feeling like you’re banging your head against the wall.

That’s why I do not offer couples counseling where one partner is suspected to be narcissistic. However, I do work with individuals in these relationships and we can discuss the option of bringing your partner in a session as a guest if that’s something you’d find helpful. My priority is you - your clarity, healing, and empowerment. Sometimes a guest session with your partner can provide enough clarity to help you better cope, or make decisions moving forward.

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. Many of my clients are navigating narcissistic dynamics with parents, siblings, in-laws, coworkers, bosses, or even longtime friends. Sometimes, the narcissist isn’t even the hardest part, it’s the enablers, the people who excuse their behavior, violate your boundaries, or make you feel like you’re the problem for trying to protect yourself.

Together, we’ll work to:

• Rebuild your self-trust and sense of identity
• Understand narcissistic/antagonistic patterns and how they’ve affected you
• Learn how to set and hold boundaries with yourself
• Process grief, anger, guilt, and fear
• Navigate ongoing relationships with narcissists when leaving isn’t an option
• Identify and protect yourself from enablers and narcissist apologists
• Break free from long-term patterns of toxic relationship dynamics
• Learn how to better spot narcissistic/antagonistic traits early on/develop skills to leave at early warning signs so you don't get stuck

Many of my clients realize in therapy that they’ve had multiple narcissistic people in their lives, not just a partner, but often a parent, a friend, or even a workplace figure. If you're beginning to notice these patterns or are in the thick of it now, you don't have to go through this alone. The right therapy with a therapist who is narcissistic/antagonistic informed can be a turning point, not only for understanding what’s happened to you, but for reclaiming who you are.

Nearly all of my clients navigating antagonistic relationship dynamics name shame as a central part of their experience. That shame can come from many places: the relationship itself, outside judgment, or even well meaning advice from friends (or even therapists) who urge them to leave. But the truth is, leaving isn’t always possible and, sometimes, it’s not what someone wants. Sometimes folks are even afraid of coming to therapy because they're scared the therapist will just tell them to leave or go no contact. That's not how I practice.

As a therapist, my role isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to help you reconnect with your autonomy, rebuild your sense of self, provide support, and help you find greater stability and peace, whether you choose to stay or go.

I'm currently in the process of becoming a certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician (NATC), training under Dr. Ramani Durvasula's program. 

Commonly, people end up in my office with a list, whether written down or just swirling in their heads, of things they’ve noticed about a difficult person in their life. They’re not always sure if what they’re experiencing is valid, or if it might be signs of narcissistic personality traits or a more toxic dynamic. That uncertainty is incredibly common.

To help, I’ve included below a comprehensive list of traits and behaviors that I’ve frequently seen and heard from clients, and experienced firsthand, in people who are narcissistic, antagonistic, or emotionally harmful. Feel free to read through the list below. 

*Please know that narcissism is on a spectrum and there's different types of narcissism. Narcissism is a pervasive pattern and not just a bad day. Most folks with a narcissistic personality style exhibit a clustering of the below - not just one or two of these. 

Items in bold below are, generally, without exception but the severity varies:

-Entitled and thinks they deserve special treatment, or rules don't apply to them

-Low, variable or fake empathy

-Manipulates or gaslights (denies your reality and state of mind) 

-Arrogant 

-Gets angry with perceived criticism (is thin-skinned) but has no problem criticizing      others

-Disagreeable, rigid and/or maladaptive

-Doesn't respond well to being told "no"

-Deeply selfish

-Accuses you of things you suspect they're doing/thinking (projects)

-No apology or fake apologies "I'm sorry BUT" "I'm sorry IF" "I'm sorry you feel that way"

-Doesn't believe they're the problem

-You walk on eggshells

In addition to the above, a cluster of behaviors below can also be present:

-Constant need for validation, and admiration seeking

-Often lies, or lies by omission 

-Chronic need for control

-Has repeatedly betrayed you but they minimize it

-Has cheated on you (and maybe blamed you for it)

-Behaves inappropriately on social media/dating apps (DMs, likes, follows, hiding accounts)

-Obsessed with social media/dating apps and getting likes and follows

-Hides their phone from you, or never has it out of their sight

-Words and actions don't align

-Smears your name to other people, trying to turn them against you (triangulates)

-Pits siblings and family against each other 

-Competitive with you or others (inc. their children)

-Makes fun of your appearance or comments negatively about you

-Focuses on your reactions to their behavior but not their behavior that caused the reaction

-Rages when you try and discuss your feelings (outward anger and/or silent treatment)

-Smiles or laughs when you're upset

-Vindictive and spiteful

-Petty (will sometimes boast about this)

-They expect you to get over fights on their timeline

-Shifts the blame onto you with any relationship issue you have

-Incapable of having a conversation that doesn't turn into a fight

-Gets very angry with a difference of opinion or worldview

-Doesn't take accountability for their actions

-Makes hurtful "jokes" at your expense and calls you sensitive or ridiculous for getting upset

-Blames a "dark sense of humor" to justify tasteless and rude jokes

-They're described as "charming" and "charismatic"

-Can be litigious

-Doesn't learn from mistakes

-Isolates you from others

-Monitors your movements, what you wear, what you eat, who you talk to

-Uses sexual coercion sometimes to the point where sex can almost feel non consensual

-Speaks badly of your friends and/or family

-Ruins important trips/meetings/events/holidays (inc. their own birthday) or makes it about them

-Sleeps like a baby after a huge fight, while you're up ruminating and angry

-Keeps you awake or wakes you up to fight

-Expects you to do things for them that they wouldn't do for you

-Chronically paranoid

-Takes credit for your work

-Behaves one way at home and very differently in public

-Routinely negligent of you and/or your kids

-Physically abusive towards you, your family/pets or things

-Threats of abuse towards you, your family/pets or things

-You feel like you can't do anything right

-Treats wait staff or other people in the service industry disrespectfully, or is overly flirty

-Doesn't respect boundaries

-Superficial and consumed with looks/money/popularity/power

-Thinks they're smarter/better than others

-Often says they're "a good person" (even when they've admitted they're not)

-Told you in the beginning they're "not a good person" or "no good"

-Sulks because they don't get what they feel they deserve

-Fixated on others doing things their way

-Always looking for someone to blame

-Lacks self appraisal/reflection but believes they’re highly self aware

-Pretends to be "woke," spiritual or religious

-Drives aggressively even when asked to stop

-Backseat drives, even controlling the car without permission on your behalf

-Isn't happy for others' success, and can seem happy with others' pain/failures

-Usually immature/childish

-Gives you the silent treatment

-Grandiose

-Talks about impressive pursuits for their future but nothing seems to happen

-Cycles from showering you with attention/putting you on a pedestal to devaluing you

-Transactional

-Exploitative and uses people for their gain

-Expects you to get over things quickly but they will hold a grudge like no one's business

-Has a multitude of supply (people who give them attention)

-If you've ended the relationship, they try and be friends to keep you as supply

-Not compassionate for long towards you (or anyone) being sick or unwell

-Often at the center of conflict but accuses you of starting fights and being difficult

-Calls their exes crazy

-Friends with exes and uses this to reinforce you being the problem

-Has to be right or have the last word

-Is either the victim or hero in most situations and will parade the generous things they do

-Walks ahead of you

-Has a sob story from their past or childhood to explain their bad behavior and garner sympathy

-Has a trail of "dead bodies" behind them

-Jumps from one relationship/situationship to the next with little time between (and often overlap)

-Has total control of the finances and you have no control

-Has no control of their finances

-Uses finances to try and control you/throws their money around

-Doesn't have a job/changes jobs often, usually on bad terms

-"Love bombed" you in the beginning and gave lots of attention, gifts, future-faked, etc.

-The relationship moved extremely fast, or extremely slow in some cases

-Wouldn't commit after years of being together, but offered commitment only after you moved on

-Drastically changed towards you after getting married or having kids

-Doesn't open mail or take care of household things

-Isn't a responsible adult

-Lacks impulse control

-Spews a bunch of words or illogical thoughts when you confront them (word salad)

-Lacks depth or substance but can sometimes fake it

-Has made a lot of references to a future together or changes they will make with no follow through

-Uses guilt to try and get what they want

-Has addiction issues: porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, social media, exercise, shopping, gaming, gambling

The list goes on...

If you have someone in your life who shows a pattern or clustering of narcissistic traits and behaviors, please don’t try to go it alone. Isolation only makes this experience harder to navigate, and in some cases, it can be dangerous to your mental and emotional health. It’s likely not all in your head, and it’s probably not you. Support is not only helpful, it’s often imperative.

Please reach out today. I would be honored to help you work through this and figure out the best path forward, with clarity, safety, and self-respect at the center.