Couple's Counseling

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If you're wondering if you should seek couple's counseling, you probably already know the answer. Many couples only come into counseling once things have reached a boiling point and some big decisions may need to be made. I know it's scary to confront relationship issues and we often feel like we're doomed if we have to go to couple's counseling but I don't always believe that. I believe the sooner you can begin couple's work, even when there's no major issues present, the better.

Research shows couples do often wait until it's too late so please don't do that to your relationship. I'd encourage you to not live with the regret of never having tried couple's counseling. Get in, roll up your sleeves and tackle some issues so you feel better equipped to deal with issues before they permanently damage your relationship. 

If you're unsure how you want to proceed in your current relationship, I can help guide you through to eventually make decisions on how best to move forward. I know the idea of that can be overwhelming but my natural approach is to regulate anxiety and provide a safe space so we are able to address important topics. I won't promise it will be easy, it will be hard work, but I do hope it's fruitful and you gather a lot of good information from this experience.

A little about my approach:

My goal with my clients is always clarity. I want you to walk away feeling like you have gained information and helpful tools to take next steps that feel aligned with your core values and what you want/need. With courage and honesty, you will learn to own your role (for better or worse) in the partnership and take steps towards healing and deeper connection.

I love working with couples who are strongly dedicated to getting their relationship back on track; it's some of my favorite work. With each couple, I take my time getting to know them, including their family history and past events that influenced who they are today. As children, so much of what we saw in our family system informs how we show up in our relationships now. We will spend time retracing some of your steps and better understanding the dynamics that have transpired in your relationship.

Many of my clients are struggling to communicate effectively where they feel heard and understood in a way that doesn't compromise safety and trust in the relationship. Most clients, especially those who have been together a long time, experience some difficulties around intimacy. This is not just about sex, but other forms of intimacy like sharing feelings, thoughts, and other kinds of physical touch. Vulnerability is often all but gone and emotional scaffolding needs to be rebuilt so couple's feel safe to express their wants, needs and feelings.

Things like values, finances, in-laws, parenting, religion, home organization, and how free time is spent are all issues I am well-equipped to address in couple's counseling. Sometimes there's a minor rupture like a recurring fight over household chores, and sometimes there's a large rupture like an affair. If both parties are willing to work hard, own their part, and do things differently, I would love to help you develop the skills and tools necessary to repair your relationship.

I have experience working with heterosexual, trans and gay couples.

If you’re unwilling to change anything about how you’re showing up in your relationship, won't own your part, don’t see value in couple’s counseling, are just ticking a box for your partner, are physically abusive, and/or having an affair, this will not work for you. Showing up to counseling alone is not sufficient; you need to be invested. 

If we have an agreement to complete certain couple’s tasks over the week and it repeatedly doesn’t happen, we will likely need to end our work together as this undermines the necessary commitment to the therapeutic process. Simply put: nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Couples who have a clear pattern of emotional or physical abuse, who have an obvious power imbalance (age, money, status) or who are displaying signs of coercive control will not benefit from my couple’s work. Coercive control can be things like isolating you from others, controlling how you dress, controlling your finances, chronic criticism, monitoring your phone or having spyware on your devices/car, threatening abuse of you, pets or others, regularly accusing you of lying or cheating, controlling what you eat and when you sleep, and/or sexual coercion. I'd encourage you to please see my page on narcissistic abuse for more information.